19 Tulips

I feel like I am a living movie,
the scene of your death was so cliche
and now, here I lay
whispering musings to your grave
I close my eyes, a single tear falls
I wonder if I should let them free

But I don't want to intrupt your rest
I hear the birds singing a love-filled lullaby
and I lay my head down beside you
imagining your face in the gray ground

I remember how they lowered you in,
encased with white pillows,
in a light wooden box
Inside vibrant royal blue you rest
your name encased in stainless steel.

I tell myself, if it was me
no place I would rather be
than right here, 8 feet under
with my lover reaching down

I cry and I smile
I curl into a ball
I steal a stone from the grave yard

the only place I find peace.

SUDEP

Sudden

Unexpected

Death

SUDEP

1 in 1000

Epilepsy patients

Uncontrolled seizures

I love one

One with that condition

1 in 1000

I loved that one

The 1 in a 1000

That will suddenly,

Unexpectedly

Die.



1 in 1000

Never thought it would be me.



-----------

While it wasn't exactly SUDEP ... it was close enough.

How does someone drown from one minute (if that) under water ....
it still doesn't add up.


SUDEP - Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy Patients.
It's more likely to happen to someone with uncontrolled seizures but 1 in 1000 people with epilepsy will die, unexpectedly, with no explanation ... (I hate writing that, it sounds so horrible)

Before he died, I didn't even know that this existed. So always live for today, you never know whats gonna happen . . .

3 Months, 2 Days, 20 Minutes

3 months, 2 days, 20 minutes ago
a single heart slowed,
raised by a mothers scream,
calmed by a lovers hold

you whispered in a ear
that was two rooms away

love is the miracles,
the guardian angel

love is the heart speeding up,
even when its slowing down

love is the nurses,
turning off the alarms

love is me,
kissing lifeless lips,
bloodstained

love is strong;
death is stronger.

Blank Page

My hands shaking
The page is tear-stained

How do I make something
That shows so much love

So much pain
Regret

My mind throbbing
Heart aching

I drop my pencil
I give up

Only you would have cared anyway.

Chasing Strangers

I see a man walking,
My mind is playing tricks on me

His gate is not yours,
But for half a second,
I hope,


I pray


It must be you.

It has it be you.

I need it to be you.



I stare at him, chase him

He turns and looks at me,
A stranger




gasp
walk away
forget







Minutes later,

I see another man walking


and again,


My mind is playing tricks on me.

When I Close My Eyes (The Smell)

Trouble breathing,
Inhale, mouth open
I taste it

Morning breath and blood,
Sweat, tears, water
I smell it, to my right

The tears, the water,
I smell the chlorine faintly,
The drugs smell stronger,

Your long body stretched before me,
A blanket covers you, pure white.
I watch the blood rise in your nose

Rise and fall, it rolls away


drip



drip




drip



water, blood, chlorine, hospital, cool, cold, sweat, tears, antithetic

that’s the scent

the aroma that surrounded your dying body

you watching your body die

that’s the scent

of you watching me,


the smell of your ghost.

I Caught You

I caught myself smiling today,
Living in the moment
I felt purity in my heart
Beautiful, in the springtime
The time we fell in love

My favourite part of the year
When life begins anew
The small sparks of life
Sprout from winter death

I caught myself feeling beautiful
Doing something that I loved.
I looked into the mirror and saw
Two eyes of different colours
Two eyes so alive
And I remember how you loved me
Looking into me
Kissed my ear hello

I lay in the grass
Feel the sun warm my soul
Thinking back to times of beauty
When I curled up next to you
Kissed you on the lips
Oh, my very first
Sensations of love, so refreshed
So new, strange
Powerful

I caught myself crying
A single lonely tear
And I remember how you carried me
The second time I saw you

I remember how you treated me
So delicately, like a flower
Your hand tingles on my shoulder
As you protect me,
Your little vanilla bean.

And I caught the spring breeze
Remembered how it felt
To fall in love

Closed my eyes
Joy whispered in my ear
A small kiss from the wind


I’m watching