Heaven

19 Tulips

I feel like I am a living movie,
the scene of your death was so cliche
and now, here I lay
whispering musings to your grave
I close my eyes, a single tear falls
I wonder if I should let them free

But I don't want to intrupt your rest
I hear the birds singing a love-filled lullaby
and I lay my head down beside you
imagining your face in the gray ground

I remember how they lowered you in,
encased with white pillows,
in a light wooden box
Inside vibrant royal blue you rest
your name encased in stainless steel.

I tell myself, if it was me
no place I would rather be
than right here, 8 feet under
with my lover reaching down

I cry and I smile
I curl into a ball
I steal a stone from the grave yard

the only place I find peace.

SUDEP

Sudden

Unexpected

Death

SUDEP

1 in 1000

Epilepsy patients

Uncontrolled seizures

I love one

One with that condition

1 in 1000

I loved that one

The 1 in a 1000

That will suddenly,

Unexpectedly

Die.



1 in 1000

Never thought it would be me.



-----------

While it wasn't exactly SUDEP ... it was close enough.

How does someone drown from one minute (if that) under water ....
it still doesn't add up.


SUDEP - Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy Patients.
It's more likely to happen to someone with uncontrolled seizures but 1 in 1000 people with epilepsy will die, unexpectedly, with no explanation ... (I hate writing that, it sounds so horrible)

Before he died, I didn't even know that this existed. So always live for today, you never know whats gonna happen . . .

3 Months, 2 Days, 20 Minutes

3 months, 2 days, 20 minutes ago
a single heart slowed,
raised by a mothers scream,
calmed by a lovers hold

you whispered in a ear
that was two rooms away

love is the miracles,
the guardian angel

love is the heart speeding up,
even when its slowing down

love is the nurses,
turning off the alarms

love is me,
kissing lifeless lips,
bloodstained

love is strong;
death is stronger.

Blank Page

My hands shaking
The page is tear-stained

How do I make something
That shows so much love

So much pain
Regret

My mind throbbing
Heart aching

I drop my pencil
I give up

Only you would have cared anyway.

Chasing Strangers

I see a man walking,
My mind is playing tricks on me

His gate is not yours,
But for half a second,
I hope,


I pray


It must be you.

It has it be you.

I need it to be you.



I stare at him, chase him

He turns and looks at me,
A stranger




gasp
walk away
forget







Minutes later,

I see another man walking


and again,


My mind is playing tricks on me.

When I Close My Eyes (The Smell)

Trouble breathing,
Inhale, mouth open
I taste it

Morning breath and blood,
Sweat, tears, water
I smell it, to my right

The tears, the water,
I smell the chlorine faintly,
The drugs smell stronger,

Your long body stretched before me,
A blanket covers you, pure white.
I watch the blood rise in your nose

Rise and fall, it rolls away


drip



drip




drip



water, blood, chlorine, hospital, cool, cold, sweat, tears, antithetic

that’s the scent

the aroma that surrounded your dying body

you watching your body die

that’s the scent

of you watching me,


the smell of your ghost.

I Caught You

I caught myself smiling today,
Living in the moment
I felt purity in my heart
Beautiful, in the springtime
The time we fell in love

My favourite part of the year
When life begins anew
The small sparks of life
Sprout from winter death

I caught myself feeling beautiful
Doing something that I loved.
I looked into the mirror and saw
Two eyes of different colours
Two eyes so alive
And I remember how you loved me
Looking into me
Kissed my ear hello

I lay in the grass
Feel the sun warm my soul
Thinking back to times of beauty
When I curled up next to you
Kissed you on the lips
Oh, my very first
Sensations of love, so refreshed
So new, strange
Powerful

I caught myself crying
A single lonely tear
And I remember how you carried me
The second time I saw you

I remember how you treated me
So delicately, like a flower
Your hand tingles on my shoulder
As you protect me,
Your little vanilla bean.

And I caught the spring breeze
Remembered how it felt
To fall in love

Closed my eyes
Joy whispered in my ear
A small kiss from the wind


I’m watching

The Fight We Never Had

He wanted to drive, something not safe for him to do ... this is how I envision that fight.

__________________________________

I cried, begged, to afraid too scream
Sweetie, sweetie please
What if? You know.

We’re just not safe
I trust you, but you can’t
Don’t lie, please

Just be safe,
Let me drive
I’ll take you anywhere
Everywhere
Let me guide you
Please

I’ll do it
Anything
To keep you safe
To keep you alive
Just please, baby please



Let me drive.

A Peck Goodbye

Last time I saw you,
I gave a goodbye kiss

A tiny little peck,
In the nape of your neck

Couldn’t reach
Your cheek or nose

A tiny peck,
Just because

First time I ever kissed you
goodbye

I just wish that goodbye wasn’t





real.

The Leaves ...

The leaves of memory seemed to make a mournful rustling in the dark. They drifted from the tress, slowly falling, one by one. A small girl stood below the tree chasing them, hoping to catch them. As her hands grasped each leaf it crumbled, shattered by her touch. She watched them blow away, scattering amongst lovers, friends, and those who are alone.

The leaves were stepped on carelessly, blindly. They fell into the rivers and streams, drowning. The little girl made it her quest to retrieve these leaves. She would chase and find each leaf to preserve and protect its beauty. She picked up the closest fallen leaf and saw a lover crying, holding hands with a man lost.

The girl gasped, the colour robbed from her face.

“I’ll find your memories” she promised.

Perfection

A perfect death
Can such a thing exist?
Taken in your sleep
Doing something you love
You feel no pain,
No one close to watch you suffer
But surrounded by doctors
We do

A chance to say goodbye
A time to hope and remember
A painless, perfect death

Doesn’t make it hurt any less

Two Months Ago

Wrote this yesterday ... today is two months since he died

Two months ago tomorrow
You blinked and blinked
And blinded
5 am
First time I’d seen
Those beautiful eyes
For a long, long time
I thought it was a miracle
Thought you heard my voice
But you just kept on blinking
Those beautiful honey nut brown

Two months ago today
Around 7 am
You told me you lost your gloves
You didn’t have the heart to tell me
You didn’t want to say
It was a gift, special to you
Lost, forever on the bus

Two months ago tomorrow
I sang a song
To the early morn
Still awake
From the day before
“You kiss my nose,
the feeling shows”

Two months ago today
We had a mini spat
We talked about my dad
I told you about a book
I wanted you to read,
Help you understand
A tiny bit more
Of yourself
and how I saw you

Two months ago tomorrow
Three friends came to see you
The only three I knew
One cried
One blessed you
The third, simply numb

Today
I called around 11,
Talked while you road the bus
You were having fun
Just a group of friends
Knew I hated saying bye

Tomorrow,
Paced outside the hall
Two am to three
Chanting, whispering
To myself, to you
“be strong, so strong”

Today,
Missed you
Knew it was silly,
We already talked twice
But I wanted again
7:30, I called you

Tomorrow
Couldn’t sleep
Couldn’t stop
Shaking with grief
I listened to the machine
The one that made you breath
The only thing that could soothe me

Today,
Your little brother answered
So typically
“Can I talk to Jason?”
He’s not here.
He’s in the hospital
Voice shaking,
I got your mothers number

Tomorrow
Sitting, waiting
Waiting for news
Head in my hands,
Knew hope was fading,
Would you ever wake up?

Today,
I told my mom
We need to go

Tomorrow
Silent moments,
Silent tears
Heard a few words
Only for me
Come
and I jerked
my name

Today,
Driving to the hospital
Called your mom again
“Don’t come alone,
its bad.
Its really bad”

Tomorrow,
The nurse came
Summoned us,
The family,
The girlfriend,
I almost didn’t go
Didn’t know my rights

Today,
Walked into the hospital,
Say your parents crying,
Saw your brother come,
The took us in together

Tomorrow,
I saw the numbers dropping
Heard your mother scream
You did too, saw your heart jump

Today,
Took one look at you
All those machines
Your nose was bleeding,
Dripping towards your eyes
Would you ever see?

Tomorrow,
Turned off the screen,
Don’t know when you stopped
I kissed your hand, I watched you die

Two month ago today,
Last words you ever spoke to me

“I’m gonna say bye now”

Needed To Talk

Just had a dream
It broke it my heart
My parents fought
And I forgot
Ran to my room
Missed you so much

I thought
It’s so silly
That we broke up
You needed a break
I grabbed my phone
Knew your cell wouldn’t work
So I called your home
Nervous as I was
Needed to talk
Tell you my feelings hadn’t changed

I felt my side shake
Thought it was my phone
I reached to grab it
And I woke up

First time I have forgotten
That no one’s gonna call
There’s no one to call.




I lay in bed and wondered, how did we break up?

then I remember

we didn't

Cheesy Stuff. . .

Saying It

We were
So afraid
To say it
Three words
They mean
So much
So little
It took forever
To say it together
But I remember now
The times we said it
Before

Late,
Night time
My mind drifting
I say
“I love you”
The phone echoes,
I hear my own words
And before he can respond
I say it back, again
“I love you too”
The morning,
Not sure,
Did I dream it?

One night later
He said it back
So quiet
So beautiful
He mumbled
I made him repeat
“I wuv you”
in a childs voice
Caught off guard,
I echoed, I awed
“I wuv you too”
It was too beautiful
Too cute
In the end, embarrassed

We were play fighting
I pouted
You lay down,
Pull me with you
You just said,
A matter of fact
“You love me”
and within a second
before I thought
it through
I said “I do”

We pulled back,
Shocked amazing,
The way it just glided
From our mouths
No we can’t
I thought,
Too soon
Too soon

“What?” he asked
“nothing” I shook my head
shook it off,
we both did
it was too much
too soon

Everyone else told us we
Too young
To fall in love
Too young
To feel those things
But those first times
We said “I love you”
It wasn’t out of duty
Or a fantasy
Or because
We just wanted to say it

It was just words
That slipped out
Between our lips
Before our heads could stop us.

__________________________________

Thumbsuckers

We were,
So silly, so cheesy,
The couple everyone looked at,
And loathed.

Luckily, we kept some things private
Like when you confided in me,
You used to be a thumb sucker
And you begged me please to try again

And us, on a high from love,
Would try
Take turns
Just to be cute

Just to be silly
It meant the world to me.

Is that true love?
When you’re willing to suck his thumb,
Just because?

So Brave

I stood
I read my story
I smiled at the memory

I sat
Listened to the Eulogy
Laughed at the memory

Still sitting
Heard your bothers say I’m family now
No emotion

I stare
The casket, light wood
The picture of you, black and white
Still longing

I walk
People I don’t know
Staring at me, crying

I listen
The whispers
“She’s so brave, so strong”

I follow
Your body encased
Outside, a temperature plummet

I watch
As they lower you
Into royal blue,
They seal you in.

I hear
The tears of everyone
Your mother, your father
They walk away.

I stare,
The beautiful long box,
Your name etched in the metal

I break.

The Colours, The Scent

Wrote this a while ago ... It's a little bit harsh, cold, sad, barren, just a mood I feel once in a while ...

The colours so vivid in my mind
They blend
The hazelnut in your eyes,
Blinking slowly, not seeing, not thinking

The pink of our teddy bear,
The one you gave me,
A makeshift pillow

The red, rising and falling,
Dripping from your nose,
You lungs, poisoned,
It rolls back, towards your cheek
Along your eye

Those beautiful hazelnut eyes
Blinking blindly

The pale of the brown of your skin,
A little bit of life lost.

The white sheets, yellow washcloths,
Lightly stained
Red

The waiting room,
The purple chairs,
Little dark blue swirls

The small white sheets,
They give us to sleep with

The bright red lipstick
Of the nurse, she bends,
Puts little blue bags on my bare tired feet
My tired pacing feet

The colours so bright, walls light, dirty yellow
So vivid
I sit, I wait
I see your brothers

Did they call me?
I hear someone say come.
I look to them, in peace.

I shake it off, my head in my hands
Darla

Louder, more distinct,
I jerk

My friend recoils
“Whats wrong?”

I look towards the brothers,
Just twelve, so quiet,
The twins,

“I thought I heard my name”

A moment so quiet, so silent, so empty

The nurse arrives,

“Can the family come?”

Your mom, your dad, your older brother.
I get up, I hesitate,
Am I family?
They wave me in.

I follow,
We don’t stop to wash our hands
And the smell, the chlorine, the clean,
the hospital,
The water, your sweat, our tears,
its haunts me

Your parents to the left,
Your father looks upwards

Me, your brother, on the right.
They speak
They cry.
To afraid to believe,

I hold, I kiss your hand,
I see no colours,
Just black and white,
My senses keep turning off
But the smell, that cool, refreshing scent
The cruel, toxic, struggling scent
Is strong.

The nurses tell us,
Your heart has stopped,
But your chest still rises,
Motorized

I am to be dragged away, I lean forward
Kiss your nose, kiss your top lip,
Above the tubes.

I taste your scent,
I taste your life,
Your blood,
Smears my cheek,

I taste your death
And your brother carries me away,

But I can’t feel his touch.
I can’t feel the hugs,
The kisses, the warmth,
The comfort thrown at me,
From strangers, from friends

Everywhere I go,
Wearing your sweaters,
It’s just too damn cold.

What I should be doing...

I wrote this a week ago ...


I need to write,
An essay
I need to write,
A report
But why,
My fingers drawn to paper
Chills inside my spine
Tears hiding in my eyes
I can not think
I can not handle
Basic conversation
But so many people,
Need me to succeed,
To work,
To be “better”
Be good
Be back to normal

But when your whole world
Flipped upside down
Ripped from your soul
And slashed in half

It easy to pretend,
To put up a charade,

But to let go and write
About something that means nothing

Impossible.

A Drowning Rose

It’s something so simple, so beautiful
Doctors cannot stop it,
Try as they might
Sometimes so afraid, so useless
Every emotion peaked
The flower that grows in the rain
The downpour,
Of ignorance
Of fear
Of neglect

You are my rose,
Cannot stand to see those petals fallen,

Floating

Musings of a Lonely Woman

Just A Tiny Flaw

I loved every part
Every flaw
Every wrong
In you
The imperfections
They shined to me
The struggles you had
Made you stronger to me
I was so in love
So blinded by love
That I could see no faults
No weakness
No breaks
Even when,
You were
Just a tiny bit broken
A tiny bit
That I loved

And still love

But can I love
That tiny little flaw

When that tiny little flaw
Latched onto your mind,
At just the wrong time

And pulled you deep,
Down, away

Underwater

How can I still love the disease
When the disease stole my love?



A Missing

Take me in your arms tonight
Hold me close, let my breath
Bounce off your invisible chest
Let me run my fingers across your soul
Lets ours intertwine
Ghostly kisses, a gentle life
Pick me up, take me away,
Let me leave my body
Just a moment more
Let me see what comes next
Let me see what god has given you
In exchange for the pain and hate we feel
Let me see the perfection
The life, in death
Let yourself glisten
Then gently lead me back
To my soul, to my life
So I can rest, believe
Know that your pure white hands
Can still push me forward,
Guide me
Please my love, take me away tonight

Just for a moment
And restart my life
Refreshed, with no regrets

A Tear

It tingles
It tickles
A single drop
Fell from the roof,
I felt it splash
My hair, my hand
Could the roof be leaking?
This house is not that old
I look around, I see no water
I feel myself, there is no water

How could it be? Impossible at least

Then that night I lay in bed
I feel the tickle once again
Its on my arm,
Its on my wrist
I fall asleep in peace.

I sit inside the bus,
The bus I ride to see you
I am talking to my friends
I feel the drop,
once again,
Upon my hand,
I turn, I jump

It is not wet

You must of seen me jerk,
Seen me in your power,
For I felt it once again
And a bigger splash.
A dance upon my skin,
A tingle, a tickle, a single tear

Can I imagine ,
Such a sensation

Or is it
You,
my sweet,
Crying out to me?

A Poem for Jason - One Month Ago

It was exactly one month ago on Valentines Day that Jason Neate, suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. He was 19 years old, and is very dear to my heart. We had been a couple for almost seven months, my first boyfriend, and his longest girlfriend. We were in it for long term. Just a few days ago, I started writing poetry once again out of desperation and loneliness and the need to do "something"



One Month Ago

One month ago, my world stopped spinning
My heart kept racing, all alone
I kissed your hand, I kissed your nose
I paced for hours, in the hall
I sang beside you, all night long
Shared our stories, had some laughs
Shared our secrets, shed some tears
I saw you blink, I saw your eyes
I saw your body, but felt your soul
Your lips not moving,
I heard a whisper, heard my name

Rushed to your side, your pulse was slowing
Your mother screamed, your father cried
When we arrived, I saw you fighting
The numbers jumping, up then down
I held your hand, I watched your chest,
Rise and fall, with every breath
Could not believe, that you might die
Could not believe, you had to survive

One month ago, our world stopped spinning
Your brother said
“Can’t find his pulse”
Could not believe, could not believe
I kissed your hand, I kissed your nose
I felt the warmth, still fading away
I felt a liquid stain my lip
It was your body
It was your soul
Your life echoed in my own

I see the world, it’s not the same
I feel the empty, I feel the pain
I feel your hand over mine
Our fingers intertwined
I feel your body
Wrapped around mine
But turn around, see nothing
Lost

I don’t see how, I don’t see why
One month ago the world kept spinning
Someway, somehow, it should have stopped.

The End

This is the tribute in memory of Jason Neate.



Songs Used:
100 Years - Five For Fighting
Follow Me - Uncle Kracker
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - Jack Johnson
All These Things That I've Done - The Killers
I Would Walk 500 Miles - The Proclaimers
Iron Man - Black Sabbath
Hard To Concentrate - Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Hey Jude - The Beatles
Love Me Tender - Elvis Presley
Bubbly - Colbie Caillat
Ring Of Fire - Johnny Cash
I'm Yours (Live) - Jason Marz
Seasons Of The Sun - Westlife

(I do not claim to own any of these songs, I merely am using them to represent and honour Jason. Most of these are among his favorites)